My Husband, My Hero

Today I'd like to consider how a wife can respect a husband's desire to protect her.  To be honest, I've been considering this topic for some time but today I'd like to focus on it.  As I have been designing the respect cards for my Zazzle store, I have researched this topic more extensively than others.

My previous understanding of the subject came from my lengthy exposure to literature and film.  From the fairy tales of childhood, cartoon television, Greek mythology, soap operas, magicians and movies I learned of the timeless appeal of men who rescue their damsels in distress.  I was willing to accept that all men are born with the desire to protect and women are susceptible to the need for rescue.

Transferring that knowledge to the real life of my marriage was challenging.  It was difficult to recognize the ways in which my husband could possibly protect me.  There were so many things he was incapable of doing because of the stroke.  He could not walk across grass or any uneven surface.   He had no idea how to fix anything around the house, not even to replace a light bulb.   He prides himself in earning his black belt in karate, but that was before the stroke.  To picture him launching a coordinated defense against an attacker was, honestly, amusing.

And then, serendipitously, an opportunity presented itself for Bruce to demonstrate his ability to protect me.  No, it did not involve a black belt.  But, it did involve a black, white and yellow bird.  Before I describe what happened I must introduce you to a bird species that can only be found in California.  It is the yellow-billed magpie. The sound that these birds make is more annoying than all the crows in the movie "The Birds".

I was working on the computer at the back of the house this past Thursday morning and the front door of the house was open.  The chatter of the magpies seemed to settle in my front yard.  It sounded as if there were two factions of magpies engaged in a brutal battle in the trees.  The sound grew louder and louder until I decided I should investigate.  Laying flat on its back, with its yellow beak facing straight up was a very dead magpie.  As I was puzzling over its demise I could hear the cackling of a crow high up in the trees, I shuddered and shut the door.

I then puzzled over how I would deal with the dead bird.  The trash cans were at the curb, still full.  I could scoop up the bird and take it to trash.  But, I couldn't get past the thought of physically handling death, germs, bugs, gross  . . . just gross.  Then I remembered that I have a husband with a burning desire to protect me.  I would wait until Bruce came home!

When he had come inside and put away his things, I asked if he had seen the dead bird lying in the yard.  He had not.  He started to ask me, "What do you want ME to do about IT?".

Then, as if to state a matter-of-fact, he said, "I know.  You want me to take care of it."

He asked for a rubber glove for his "good" hand and a plastic bag to put the bird in.  I asked if he would like me to double the bag and he agreed.  Using the bags, I lined a small bucket.  This would keep the bag rigid in Bruce's "bad" hand while he scooped up the bird with the other.  He then headed out the door and walked across the uneven ground and grass where he paused.

"What if he bites me?"

I assured him that the bird had not moved so much as a feather all day.  So this man, ever reluctant to bend down to pick something up for fear of being unable to rise again, leaned over and scooped up the bird.  Just like that!  It was incredible.

When he came back inside and came to the kitchen to wash up, I threw my arms around his neck.  I really was grateful, incredibly grateful, to have a man to take care of me.  And I made absolutely sure, by my actions, that he knew it!

Today's Featured Card is

Rescue

Word to the Wives ~ ~ Though he will not likely find you tied up and screaming for help, your husband does fantasize about opportunities to rescue you from real danger. As spiritual head as well as physical protector and provider, his calling is divine and the unseen enemy is relentless. Treasure your husband's desire to fulfill his calling.

Rescue by heartensoul4u

Snippets of Success

I published the following status statement on Facebook earlier this week:

Sharon Cohen received a call from her husband en route to work. "I just wanted to tell you that I feel better and it's mostly because you took such good care of me." Monday at 6:41am 

For my readers here who don't follow me on Facebook, let me explain.  My husband was battling a gruesome case of stomach flu over the weekend.  Honestly, I could not tell if it was food poisoning or stomach flu when it began. 

At the end of his shift on Friday, he called complaining of migraine headache type symptoms: an overwhelming pain on the top of his head, excessive thirst and simultaneously overwhelming nausea.  With the help of a friend, we got him home and I helped him prepare for bed. 

For the unaware, my husband is a stroke survivor with extreme weakness on his right side that makes dressing difficult when he is additionally impaired.   It took about 30 minutes to get him changed from his work clothes to bedclothes.  I kept checking his eyes for the tell-tale-fluttering-pupil-symptom that would warn if the shunt in his head had shifted or that he was going into a seizure.  I couldn't remember which and I wondered if it was safe to leave him.  I prayed a brief prayer and felt a sense of peace.  I rose and stepped away from the bed.  He seemed to be dozing when I left the room.

I had been giving him an electrolyte replacement drink throughout our trip home from work and within half an hour he began yelling about needing to throw up - RIGHT NOW. 

I ran back to the bedroom and grabbed the trashcan.  If you've never witnessed projectile vomiting I can only compare it to a sporadic power washer propelled from deep within the gut.  I was amazed at my reaction.  Normally I would be prompted to lose my stomach at times like this, but I was not even inclined to queasiness.  (Praise God for sparing me that experience.)  My husband continued for at least five minutes.  Thankfully he never did progress to the dry heaves. 

I will spare you the details of the clean-up effort required.  I did not call for Haz-mat but I was tempted.  My husband finally was able to lie down again.  Unfortunately, he had expelled his sleeping pills and was unable to fall back to sleep.  I waited about half an hour for his stomach to settle and I gave him his evening seizure medication, naproxen and over-the counter sleeping pills again.

I settled into an evening of waiting and listening.  I could not bring myself to prepare dinner.  I knew he wouldn't eat and I was hungry for his least favorite food of all times.  I was afraid that the mere aroma would turn his stomach again.  I waited until nearly 8:30 to get something to eat.  He was up and down a few times before I finally went into bed. 

The rest of the weekend is a blur.  He rested most of the day on Saturday while I ran necessary errands.  He even conceded that he was too ill to go out for dinner with our birthday-friend but let me go without him.   Sunday morning he got up and dressed for church as if he had never been ill and then collapsed back into bed before ever leaving the house.  I remember keeping him fed on the blandest food acceptable and stocked with plenty of liquids. 

I do clearly remember one very important detail.  I spent a great deal of time battling within myself about my own behavior through all of this.   Every stereotypical response a wife would make to a sick husband played in my mind.  It seemed at every turn I struggled to silence the voice in my head and the urge to belittle him. 

"Grow up, Bruce." 

"You whine like a little baby."   

"You'd think you'd never been sick before."

"Good thing men don't give birth - mankind would be extinct." 

"Buck up - take it like a man."

I kept returning to Ephesians 5:33b. 

"This is the time that God meant to address when He inspired those words!"  I was talking to myself a lot this weekend.  ". . . and let the wife see that she respects her husband."

There were moments this weekend when that scripture taunted, haunted and teased me to do what was right.  When Monday morning arrived I had not yet begun to evaluate what I had experienced and how I had handled it when the phone rang. 

It was Bruce; calling to tell me he had arrived safely at work, as he always does.  Then he would normally wish me a good day and promise that he would call again on his lunch break.   This morning, things were different.

"I just wanted to tell you that I feel better and it's mostly because you took such good care of me."

 Today's Featured Card

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Shining Light by Sharon Cohen
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Respecting the Differences

One of the most important things that I have learned in life is this;

Men and women are different; fundamentally different. As soon as I began to respect my husband for being a man (and stopped trying to change him) wonderful things began to happen.




I began to accept that God wired us differently.  He did not say that man was better than woman or that woman was better than man.  God only said that it was not good for man to be alone.  God created Eve and God said, THEN, that it was good.



When I met my husband it was obvious that he was starving for respect.  He had been belittled and put down by nearly every person that he had ever loved and yet, he was willing to take another chance.  It was so simple.  I began to appreciate him.  I became his number one fan.  Most importantly, I remained his number one fan after we married.  I practice new ways - new routines, if you will - to cheer him on.  I look for opportunities to encourage him.  If he is reluctant to try something new I reach into his past and call to his mind his successes.

It has taken me over half a century to accept that men are men and women are women - and there is nothing fundamentally wrong with either one!   My husband did not seem to have any need, compulsion or desire to change me.  I was accepted and appreciated.   Once I was able to allow him to be him and to respect and appreciate who he is - as a man - wonderful things began to happen.

It would be so wonderful to spend another half century respecting and enjoying the differences.

RESPECT and The Feminist Movement

I know that my perspective on the following issue has not been popular, but I have been quiet for 40 years simply because I prefer to avoid conflict.   That is not to say that your opposing comments are not welcome. I am a big girl now.  I can take it.  So, please, feel free to share your thoughts at the end of this post.

From Wikipedia: "Respect" is a song written and originally released by Stax recording artist Otis Redding in 1965. "Respect" became a 1967 hit and signature song for R&B singer Aretha Franklin. While Redding wrote the song as a man's plea for respect and recognition from a woman,

. . . the roles were reversed for Franklin's version. Franklin's cover was a landmark for the feminist movement.  (Listen for the difference in the message of Aretha's version.)

I was a young girl at the time of Franklin's recording and from then until now I did not appreciate the "feminist movement'. I felt that I was being robbed of my privileges as a female by the loud, overbearing and angry women holding public demonstrations.  They filled the airwaves, TV shows and public places in their efforts to indoctrinate impressionable girls like me.

But I was not convinced. I liked being a girl and for heaven's sake, I had not even worn my first bra when "they" started asking me to burn it!

Seriously, my parents made sure that I learned to be capable of great things. I was taught to dream big and was encouraged to acquire a higher eduction, to pursue lofty dreams and to grab the brass ring of financial success. I was not blind to the options and opportunities around me. But, even without a Christian focus in my home and without anything more than a rudimentary understanding of the scriptures, I knew that God had designed men and women to be different from one another.

From where I entered the scene, on the cusp between the 1950's and the 1960's, I could see that men handled the chores and assignments that I was more than grateful to forfeit to them. I had no interest in being the bread-winner, trash-hauler, flat-tire-changer, lawn-mower, house-painter, or pooper-scooper.

In my childhood these chores (and many others more gross and disgusting) were handled by men or boys. I thought that, considering the feminine talents given to us, women could avoid the really disgusting work for as long as they chose. I had no desire to take that "opportunity" away from the boys.

I could also see that men would do most anything - dangerous, gross, dirty, filthy things - simply for the respect of a woman. Most especially impressive was to what lengths a man would go to receive the admiration, appreciation and respect of a woman.

I watched, on the other hand, the demoralizing, degrading and male bashing depths to which some women would sink in making their demand for equal or greater respect and for the sake of women's "liberation".

When the women's liberation movement took hold, men began to be robbed of the respect that preceding generations had received. Suddenly, to respect a man was seen as a sign of feminine submission, surrender and subjugation. Society perverted the scriptural injunctions resulting in women believing that to give a man respect demeans her in some way. The capstone of the feminist teaching was to further indoctrinate girls to believe that respect must be earned or that it is only required in reciprocity.

However, when God requires respect or honor of Himself or others, the scriptures teach the opposite.  No matter how thoroughly I have searched the scriptures, I can find no qualifiers to the commandment to honor my parents or to the instruction to respect my husband.

With regard to styles and fads, I do not suggest that we return to the ways of the world before the women's liberation movement. But we must admit that the ways of the world are not God's ways. Respect does not go out of style and honor is not a fad.

While historically women may not have been held in the high regard that God (according to the scriptures) requires of men, we must not engage in a game of tit-for-tat by denying men the respect that God requires of women. Let us ever remember that as women of God we are capable of far greater grace than that.

I do not expect that a few respectful women will transform the world.  However, for the sake of their marriages, I will challenge other women of God to return to the teachings in Ephesians 5:33b. After all, all He's asking for is just a little respect.

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Touchdown by Your Husband's Deepest Desire

To the Wife of an Ordinary Man

Speaking to the wives in the audience: Have you ever been in such a dire situation that you were actually expecting your husband to rescue you and he did not?

Did you react as most of us do with a pout (in the least) or the silent treatment and cold shoulder flaunted in exaggerated body language? And in spite of your dramatic demonstration, if your husband is like most men, he was probably clueless.

Even those of us who have not acted as the drama queen have been, on occasion, miffed by our husband's failure to save us when things went wrong.

Is it any wonder? As young girls we were subjected to every imaginable damsel-in-distress storyline that emphasized our "right" to be rescued by a hunk-of-a-hero. The images around us enforced the sleeping-beauty and knight-in-shining-armor fantasy that we expected to enter when we grew up. Many of us capped off the fantasy with a fairy tale wedding in a princess gown on the perfect day to the perfect man with the perfectly chiseled features striking a macho pose as he waited to take us into his arms at the end of the long, long aisle.

And then, reality struck.

It soon became apparent that the schools your husband attended never offered "How to be Her Hero" or "Rescuing the Damsel - Advanced Studies" in their curriculum. As a matter of fact, unless your husband was raised by the rare and perfect example, he never saw a damsel in distress being rescued by an ordinary man. As boys, our husbands watched Superman, Spiderman and Luke Skywalker. Everyone, including our husbands, know that little boys do not have super powers and they will not grow up to acquire them either. Little boys grow to be ordinary men.

God challenges ordinary men to protect and provide for their wives and men actually desire the ability to protect and provide in extraordinary ways. But ordinary men are, well, ordinary.

Considering that we are well aware of of this, why do you suppose that we wives continue to be disappointed when no one gallantly swoops in to save us from peril? Are we that oblivious to reality? Let's face it: Given our reality, the fantasy does not fit.

What we have in reality are men who grumble and complain when we need them to change the flat tire, take out the trash or go up on the roof to repair the leak. We find ourselves committed in marriage to men who will avoid the simple household chores until they have to hire a repairman to fix the problem that got way out of hand.

I suspect that God knew this when he inspired the Apostle Paul to write what he did in Ephesians 5:33b. God knew that men would be ordinary and women would need to be instructed to respect them unconditionally. He provided short, simple, and to the point instruction. He did not qualify the point of his instruction to the wives. He said, ". . . and the wife must respect her husband."

It would not surprise me if God provided that instruction specifically for those times when a husband fails to live up to his wife's expectations. While some women would balk at obeying God's instructions, others will find the challenge to be exhilarating. Some have even marveled at the trust that God has placed in them to live up to His expectations in this regard.

Just imagine being respectful to the husband who changes the tire without being gleeful about it. Give him a bright, sunny yet breezy day to squat on the pavement and twist off those lug nuts and darned if he still doesn't find cause to grumble about the gravel in his knees. Can a wife really be expected to appreciate that kind of behavior?  Of course she can and she should.

Maybe she offers a smile, a hug and a thank-you.  In retrospect, if an opportunity has passed unnoticed, she can write him a note or give him a card that expresses what she failed to say at the time. No matter how she expresses her respect, if it is sincere it will pay dividends of increased satisfaction for both husband and wife.

In the course of a marriage, we will be given ample opportunity to express our respect and appreciation for our spouse. While some of our dire situations may be better or worse than a flat tire, the opportunity to practice respect is always the same. When you feel your back against the wall or that you have gone way out on a limb, it is easy to forget that your husband does have your best interest at heart. He may not be adept at communicating his desire to protect and provide for you, but it he feels it just the same.

To offer him anything but appreciation and respect in return is deflating, demeaning and demoralizing.

Your respect is your husband's deepest desire.

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Sacrifice: A Time For Respect

There is a growing movement among Christian women who are ready, willing and learning what God requires of them as wives. In Ephesians 5:33b, wives are instructed to respect their husbands. Learning to respect is an intentional choice to be made because it is not something taught in schools and is no longer a common virtue.

On the contrary, women are subjected to thousands of scenes that depict disrespect between spouses simply through the television and movies that they watch. Transforming any experience into an opportunity for learning requires intention. A wife can intentionally watch for opportunities, missed or taken, of when and how a message of respect was appropriate.

A recent repeat episode of "The Unit" provided an opportunity to observe both the wrong and the right way to respect your spouse. As with most television shows, if it had shown what a wife should do, it would not be entertainment. Conflicts and reconciliations drive episodic television scripts and ratings. However, if the viewer uses the episode as a case study, there is much to be learned.

The recap for the episode (taken from the online television guide) reads, "Pregnant, Kim is put on bed rest for 48 hours after a minor scare but Bob seems to be incapable of taking care of the kids without her."

Based on the actual facts of the episode, if taken in light of the teachings in Ephesians, the recap should have read, "Bob is berated by Kim who makes disrespectful accusations. Bob attempts to please his wife and takes responsibility by selling his prize antique car. Later, Kim fails to respect Bob's sacrifice".

Fans of the show will remember that Bob came home from work to an exhausted and pregnant wife. For the sake of her health and that of the unborn baby, he insists that she remain in bed for 24 hours. Meanwhile he promises to watch the children. He is not expert at the task but the children were being cared for. Kim leaves her bed to push Bob aside and demonstrate the proper care and feeding of their daughter. Bob takes the chastisement in silence. Later, Kim wants to sneak out, go to work and do her radio broadcast. Before leaving the house she finds Bob working on the antique car he inherited from his father instead of being inside with his sleeping children. She scolds him again for not knowing how to care for their children and takes the children to daycare. While Kim is gone, Bob sells the car. The viewer is left wondering if Kim truly comprehends the magnitude of Bob's sacrifice.

As in most marriages, both husband and wife failed to respect the other at first. In the end, Bob does respect his wife's wishes by eliminating the one major distraction that seemed to be bothering her. Kim, after disrespecting, humiliating and lying to him, has little to say in gratitude for his sacrifice.

Any wife who wants to learn what disrespect looks like and what it sounds like can easily learn from this episode. She can see where the mistakes are made and how they might have been corrected. The least that a wife can walk away with is an understanding that no one is perfect, not herself and not her husband. A purposeful viewer can also imagine what might have been had the wife been concerned with the instructions in Ephesians 5:33.

In your own marriage, has your husband made sacrifices that you have overlooked? Has he abandoned or limited pleasures that were once so all-important to him? And if he has, have you shared appreciation with him, for him, or about him to others for the sacrifices he has made?

There is only one thing more devastating than to be unappreciated and that is when you have not been appreciated for your sacrifice. We sometimes wallow in self-pity when others do not seem to notice all that we do.

Do not fail to respect and recognize the times that your husband has sacrificed his pleasures or his choices for your sake. Such sacrifices or submissions are demonstration of his love for you. As soon as you can, tell him that you appreciate him or give him a card that says it for you.

Your husband longs to hear of your appreciation. To receive your respect is your husband's deepest desire.

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Sacrifice respect card from Your Husband's Deepest Desire

A Wife's Unconditional Respect

Few people would argue that in the perfect marriage husband and wife would always love and respect each other unconditionally and each would always behave in a way to deserve it. If you enjoy this kind of a perfect marriage please pass this article to another couple that falls short of the mark.

Before we focus on the subject of respect in marriage we should recognize the general loss of respect in society. In general, have you noticed how disrespectful people have become? One can hardly step out in public or turn on the television without witnessing acts of disrespect. It is easy to point out the behavior in others: the guy who cut you off on the freeway, the lady in line with "more than 10 items", the kid who ran across your flowerbed. Are you one who finds the behavior appalling?

If you find such behaviors appalling in others can we assume that you do not disrespect people around you? We do not appreciate disrespect of ourselves or of others. While we find it appalling in other we often feel helpless to change our own behavior. We may not even recognize the many ways in which we also are being disrespectful.

When it comes to respect and disrespect, we all want to change the world, but we are powerless to do so. We can, however, make changes in our little corners of the world; in ourselves and in our families.

Children are being raised without examples of respect that they can follow. We all know that children do as we do and not as we say. If we fail, as wives or as mothers, to respect our husbands we can expect nothing better from our children. If we do not model unconditional respect (for our husbands), our children will feel justified when disrespecting others who do not live up to their expectations. We will find ourselves with little justification for our dismay when they disrespect the rights of others. There will be no one to blame but ourselves.

Have you noticed the kids who dart across the street to greet a friend, seemingly oblivious to their impact on traffic? Have you heard the language used by teens in public spaces as if their elders had no ears? No matter how upsetting it is to witness, are you absolutely sure that you have set a better example of respect in all things?

Have you been heard demeaning your husband when he failed to live up to your expectations? When he failed to take the trash to the curb did you berate him because he deserved it? Do you roll your eyes when you disagree with him? Do you speak disrespectfully about him to your children or to others? Do you snap at him about his discarded dirty socks or because he hasn't mowed the lawn yet?

If it is difficult to examine your behavior without becoming defensive then try this. While watching network television, identify the times when one person disrespects another. Especially notice when the disrespect is that of a wife for her husband. You should quickly become of aware of the subtle ways our children are being taught. You might also notice that for a wife to disrespect her husband is society's "norm".

Once you can admit that you do, on occasion, outwardly disrespect your husband you are ready to effect a change. For many wives it has been difficult to know how to change. As women, it is hard to just turn it off! Exercising our quick wit and rolling our eyes has been our habit for as long as we can remember. God help us!

Seriously, God will help us. He has instructed us, as wives, to respect our husbands. (Ephesians 5:33b).

God did not say, "If the husband does well, the wife should respect him."

No, God expects the wife to respect her husband unconditionally. When He has asked us to do something, He will help if we will let Him. Successfully overcoming the insidious habit of disrespect is possible with God's help.

Remember that God loves your husband unconditionally. Commit to learning how to also respect your husband unconditionally and then tell him the truth. Tell your husband that you are learning to respect him unconditionally. If a conversation is uncomfortable, tell him in writing or give him a card that expresses exactly that.

When you respect him unconditionally, you are fulfilling your husband's deepest desire. To be respected is your husband's deepest desire.

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Unconditional Respect by Your Husband's Deepest Desire

Your Husband's Deepest Desire

As a wife, are you uncomfortable respecting your husband's desire for sexual intimacy, passion and physical release?

When discussing the needs of men, their deepest desires, it is not unusual for woman to assume the topic to be sex or physical intimacy. Truly there is a physical disconnect that occurs sometime after the wedding vows are exchanged. The blame game and the faultfinding begin soon after the honeymoon when the day-to-day drudgery of reality sets in.

"Someone once said that just as the devil will do everything he can to bring two people together sexually before marriage, he does everything he can to keep them away from each other after marriage." (Emerson Eggerichs, "Love and Respect")

If the devil is promoting the downfall of your marriage then it must be to God that you turn for success.

Before spending one dime on marriage counseling or self-help books, God has already provided a key to the wife's success. It is in Ephesians 5:33b; "and the wife should respect her husband. (The secret for a husband's success precedes God's counsel to the wives in the same verse.)

Men are to love their wives and women are to respect their husbands. Do you find yourself saying, "Yeah. Right. Surely the secret to marital success cannot be that simple?"

Suppose that everything a husband desires can truly be traced back to his need for respect? Are you willing to put forth a little effort and test the theory?

Do you trust God enough to follow such a simple instruction?

Being respectful is so much more than manners. It requires the ability to treat others, as you would want to be treated. It is good to remember that just as you would expect your husband to love you unconditionally, your husband expects that you will respect him unconditionally.

For the wife to be successful, in her role in the marriage, begins simply enough. Commit to learning how to respect your husband and then tell him the truth. Tell him that you are learning to respect him unconditionally. Meanwhile, recognize that he is learning to love you unconditionally.

Do you turn off to his needs because he doesn't know to comfort you in time of distress? Recognize and respect your husband's desire to be understanding and comforting in times of trial. Be respectful if he fails to know what to do. Do not belittle or discourage him when he doesn't sweep you up in his arms when you are hurting. Ask him for a hug if you need one. He is not a mind reader.

Respect your husband's need for your friendship. Do you turn a cold shoulder when he does not meet your expectations? Or do you think he should always do what you want to do? Your husband wants you to be his best friend; "hanging out" with him often and doing the things he loves the best. Let him know that you want to be with him, no matter where he goes. Be unconditional in your respect.

Respect your husband's desire and drive to keep the family afloat in times of ease and in times of disaster. This is not a time to expect your husband to earn your respect. You can earn his never-ending devotion by your kind and encouraging word.

Respect your husband's desire to fulfill his God-given role by telling him that you support and sustain him in his leadership. Do not hold back waiting for him to become the perfect man. It won't happen in your lifetime.

By now you have begun to realize that it is up to you to respect your husband's God-given desires. But what you know is not always reflected in what you do. You may feel unsure, awkward or even a bit embarrassed. You can overcome your insecurity by harnessing the power of suggestion. It can be easier to honor and respect your husband's need for sexual release when you initiate or encourage it yourself.

An instinct burns in every man to achieve something before leaving this world. The regard and respect of others seems to motivate that desire to achieve, while disrespect and disregard can smother it.

Recognize, respect and commend your husband for his achievements no matter how big or how small. To be respected is your husband's deepest desire.

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When You're In Charge by heartensoul4u
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Reverence and Respect

I've been thinking (a lot) about respect over the last month.  It has revealed itself to be a broader topic than I had at first considered.   It is so broad and so varied that I was finding it extremely difficult to maintain focus.  I am designing a line of greeting cards to support the directive to wives as found in Ephesians 5:33b:

King James Bible

Nevertheless let every one of you in particular so love his wife even as himself; and the wife see that she reverence her husband.

New International Version

However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.

“. . . and the wife see that she reverence her husband” or “and the wife must respect her husband.”  Call it reverence or respect, it is much the same. 

adoration, appreciation, approbation, awe, consideration, courtesy, deference, dignity, esteem, favor, fear, homage, honor, recognition, regard, respect, reverence, tribute, veneration, worship

As a child I was taught to respect my elders.  Now that I am an elder I am astounded at the occasions that call for my respect, regard or consideration.  I also realize how little people respect one another anymore.

I realize that the origin of all my pet peeves is “lack of respect”.  For example, children who curse at the tops of their lungs on trains, men who sprawl across a seat while a woman stands and holds the strap, or people who rush in front of the disabled to board a crowded bus.   I call that disrespectful.

I walk a lot in this city.  It requires that I cross streets - at intersections, with the light and in a crosswalk – often.  There is not one day when I do not have to stop and yield to a car that steals my right of way.  I call that disrespectful.

Waiting in line for a “12 items or less” register with more than 12 items is disrespectful.

Driving with your windows down and your radio volume so loud that it shakes every pane of glass in the neighborhood is disrespectful.

Blocking the sidewalk to register people for voting or to sell your wares is disrespectful.

Disrespect is epidemic around me.  I was amazed.  I discovered that I could not stop counting the situations.  

Now, before I go any further, I confess that I don’t have this respect thing completely licked either.  I am just now learning how to respect my own husband.  My husband!  I must learn, step by step, how to respect my husband.  How does anyone get to be my age without knowing how to do that?  (Don’t answer.  That was a rhetorical question.)

And I am not alone.

There are others out there, like me; wives who are unsure of how exactly does one respect her husband?   We all have one thing in common.  We all know that God has asked us to respect our husbands.  He asked our husbands to love us.  He put no conditions on these directives.  He did not say “respect your husband if he mows the lawn” or “reverence your husband if he pays the bills”.    He did not say “respect your wife if she keeps a clean house” or “reverence your wife if she cooks a fine meal”.  There are to be no conditions. 

Unconditional respect is the goal.  I have taken it on as a project.  I am excited because there are other women searching and sharing the same desire.   If you are a woman who wants to learn with us, I can recommend a good book that will take you step by step, day by day.  The book, the e-course and the Facebook page are all called “The Respect Dare” by Nina Roesner of Greater Impact Ministries.

Nina says “. . . when we aren't respectful to our husbands, we misrepresent Christ and the church - marriage is more about being like Jesus than anything else.  We are called to be a reflection of the life of Christ - as God made us in His image...”

So that’s it.   I’m trying to be like Jesus.  

Don't Know What You Got 'Til Its Gone

It is a beautiful spring morning in sunny Sacramento.  Lawn mowers are roaring to life throughout the neighborhood, joggers are out for their morning runs with their dogs and the neighbors are walking to synagogue.

It is a typical Saturday morning where I live.  Except . . .

. . . except that there is absolutely nothing normal about this morning, our morning, in this house.  We are doing typical spring chores.  We've been cleaning up the dead branches fallen from the mighty oak next door, removing the pine cones that litter the front yard, pulling out weeds, killing saplings and sweeping the patio.  We've borrowed the neighbor's lawn mower and we have cut the lawn out back for the first time this season.  We have laughed and paused in our labors to watch our Basset hound, Celia, sunning on the lawn.

We have even cut back the early spring flowers to make way for the iris and the hydrangea beginning to make their appearance.

All of this is very typical for some but not normal for us.

If you had told either of us a month ago that this would be our activity today we both would have chuckled, embarrassingly, and sarcastically responded, "Yeah.  Sure.  In our dreams."

I know for a fact that Bruce has not mowed a lawn in fifteen years.  When I first met him he wasn't able to even walk on a lawn.  When we came to see this house one year after our wedding he struggled to walk in the yard.  His steps were as a year-old child; tentative, hesitant, wobbly, faltering and unsteady.  At over 200 pounds the thought of him falling to the ground was frightening, terrifying even.    His stroke had left his right side generally unresponsive to his brain.  He can make his leg move to walk but he cannot make it support him to rise to standing after falling.  His right hand is strong but does not respond well.  He cannot use it to leverage his body off the ground.

He cannot use that right hand to clutch the handle of a lawn mower or rely on it to push the mower across the grass.  With as much concentration as he could muster he was eventually able to persuade his right hand to grab the bar so as not to continue just hovering above the task.  He could convince his right leg and foot to move forward while pushing the mower with his left hand but when having to back up, the leg became unruly.  Bruce struggled, focussed and the foot eventually complied.  Soon he was mowing forward and back, round and round, like all the other men on the block.   The process was tediously slow, deliberate and persistent.

I am grateful to God for showing me how important it was for me to stand aside - and continue with my Celia watching, tree trimming, weed pulling, flower cutting, patio sweeping, rose cutting, picture taking and time killing - while Bruce conquered the lawn mowing.

We are celebrating here today.  

Bruce mowed the lawn.

Epilogue:


Bruce and I will celebrate our fifth wedding anniversary on April 15th.  
Also in 2010:
Bruce celebrates his fifteenth year recovering from stroke,  
I celebrate my 3rd year recovering from stroke, and 
Celia, our Basset hound, celebrates her 2nd year recovering from stroke.   


There is nothing typical about this household on this typical Saturday morning in typically sunny Sacramento.

Everything I needed to know about marriage . . .

. . . I learned from my daughter.
I know that sounds absurd to anyone who has not met my daughter and her husband, however, those of you who do know them can fully understand the statement.
I will spare everyone the details but suffice it to say that I was raised in a dysfunctional family and arrived at adulthood with an incredibly warped understanding of the purpose of marriage and family. It surely was a factor that I did not know God at all. Obviously, I was completely unaware that the marriage covenant was ordained by God so that His purposes might be fulfilled.
I know, I know. The wedding vows are replete with references to God “bringing together” and man “not tearing apart” but what was that, really? From my life-is-but-a-fairy-tale perspective the words meant nothing but beautifully poetic language of bygone traditions.
By the time my daughter was planning her wedding, my third marriage was in its death throes. While absolutely thrilled with her choice of a husband, I was frightened because I had never taught her how to be successfully married. I had no idea how to do it myself.
I have hundreds of stories which would substantiate the title of this post but I am choosing the first lesson I ever learned about a Godly marriage from my daughter and her husband.
My first lesson came shortly after my daughter and her new husband returned from their honeymoon. By telephone, my daughter told me that we would no longer have our daily (or twice or thrice daily) phone conversations. Her husband had asked her to limit our phone calls until Sundays after church.    She would comply; “obey” if you will. I was hurt, angry and confused.  I would pay for the calls I offered and she declined.  It was not about the money.  I was persistent.  I was annoying.  I nagged until she humbly explained that she was doing as she was asked out of respect for her husband.  
In retrospect I am so grateful for all that his “mandate” taught me. My daughter learned to turn to her husband (rather than her mother) for counsel. As a new wife she learned to respect her husband’s opinion, to share of herself and to listen until agreement was reached. They learned to discuss every thing. I was jealous, very jealous, when I realized that all of the intimate discussions, the laughter and the joy that I had shared with my daughter were no longer to be mine alone.
I had never witnessed a wife respecting her husband as my daughter respected hers. It was endearing, encouraging and enlightening to watch. It was surprising and unforgettable. 
Now, mind you, it was not that she hung on his every word or conceded to his every opinion. My daughter is a strong woman, of great intelligence, wisdom and insight. My son-in-law is equally intelligent, compassionate and fair.  When my daughter and her husband disagreed they both afforded the other common courtesy, admiration and an obvious mutual respect. When all had been said and all things considered, her husband had the final word.
Does that sound chauvinistic? It was not. When my son-in-law would establish the course of action it was not always for the choice that he favored. He seemed to equitably accept his wife’s counsel and to set course accordingly.
Everything Godly that I needed to learn about marriage was taught to me by the example of my daughter and her husband.

In The Thicket of My Thought

I woke this morning reviewing the past few weeks of tender mercies, blessings and outright miracles.   I wondered if the word "few" (as in "few days") was an accurate measurement of this latest endeavor.  With a little review I quickly discovered that I had designed my first "respect card" on Friday, February 19, 2010.
 
Hold on for a moment.  I have to go look at the calendar.
 
That was sixteen days ago.  

I am sure that I alone am not capable of such achievement.  For two weeks - it has only been two weeks - I have worked nearly sixteen hour days and my body and mind have been no worse off than when I worked eight.  I have risen from bed early and retired late nearly every one of those days.  The conversation, affection and intimacy in my marriage has been enlivened.  I have spent countless hours conversing with my mother - which are as a frequent refueling of my determination and capacity to continue.   Even my dog has been getting a walk with me nearly every day.  The strength of my body has been restored and my satisfaction has been as a cup spilling over.

As my mind reviewed the past, a poem that has recited itself in my head from time to time over the course of nearly 40 years appeared on my heart.  For much of my life the frequent echoes of this poem  were a mystery and then a taunting or tease that defined the distance I had yet to grow.   Today it sings in my soul as my personal anthem:

GRACE

Though God, God only, can create,

I till and weed, and then I wait,

And in the thicket of my thought

Bloom flowers that I never wrought.

I stand in wonder and behold

Beauty I never sowed unfold,

Visions of faith, insights of love,

Truths that I had no forethought of.

Somehow there is in me yet more

Than I myself might settle for,

A faith that brings perfection out

Past my own powers. I have no doubt

One day all unexpectedly

The rose of Christ shall bloom in me.

James Dillet Freeman

One day - all unexpectedly . . . .

One day was February 19, 2010 and every day since.  I am so grateful, unspeakably grateful for so many things today.

My Husband Is AMAZING!

I've been married to Bruce for very nearly five years (15-April-2005) and it has been amazing.  He has been amazing.  In the profile that I wrote for my new Zazzle store, I shared the following:

Bruce and I had been seeing each other nearly every night for weeks and it was obvious to both of us that we were on a fast moving train to a lifetime commitment. One evening, after our nightly ritual of tending to his tender toes, I was still seated on the floor at his feet. We had been discussing life, limitations and survival. (Bruce is a stroke survivor) He became overwhelmed with emotion and began to pour his heart out. 

"I didn't think," he said. "I didn't think anyone would want me." 

The tears welled up in his eyes as he continued. 

"Every day. I looked at myself. Every day I asked who would want this?" 

He reached across his body and touched his paralyzed arm and crumbled hand. He stood and stooped over in an exagerated imitation of his stroke-effected stature. He further emphasized his point by pulling his right hand up to his chest in a seized and clenched position. "Who would want to touch this?" he had made his point and he sat again. 

This man was not looking for love, not really. He was looking for respect.

Anyone who knew me before Bruce would know that respecting men did not come naturally to me.     But, God asked me to respect Bruce and He assured me that it would be worth it.  So far, I have been blessed beyond all imagination.  

The Analogy of Respect

Without Respect:

With Respect:

You get the picture.

Some people mistakenly believe that it is difficult being married to a man with disabilities - both mobility and verbal disabilities.  They pull me quietly aside, sometimes, to praise me for being patient, kind, and respectful to him.  I politely thank them and mutter something about how I am not the spouse that bears the burdens.  I am the spouse that reaps the blessings.

I am learning, merely learning, to respect my husband.  And yet, though I fail often and miserably, yet I reap a reward of marriage to a magnificent, amazing man.

My New Business: Your Husband's Deepest Desire

Life has been a bit discumbobulated since "Pink Slip Friday" on February 12th when I received notice that my last day of work would be April 19th.

I basically went into shock and awe for the first week. My blood pressure readings were off the chart and I was an emotional wreck.

Then I got a grip.

I could not help but notice that being laid off was going to grant me the one thing I had been praying for.  Time.  I had prayed for time to write my manuscript and for time to tackle a project I'd been toying with for three years.  I began to get excited about the prospects.  Setting aside the concern about how to support us on unemployment when we were barely making ends meet on my paycheck will be fodder for another post.  Suffice it to say that we are anchored in the promises of tithing as found in Malachi.

So - what is the BIG project I've been toying with in my mind for three years?

It is to support the teaching that men (husbands) have one driving desire.   It is their deepest desire. And when that desire is met, men are happy.   My husband has one desire, that when met, will make him happy.  Happy.  Satisfied.  Fulfilled.  

So, as a wife, if I know what that desire is and I am capable of fulfilling that desire, would I not choose to do so?

Wouldn't you?  Couldn't you?

You won't commit to do it until you know what it is.  Right?

His deepest desire?

NO - it is NOT sexual.

Man's Deepest Desire is for Respect.  He needs to be respected to feel happy.

Woman's deepest desire is for love.  She needs to be loved to feel happy.

Go ahead and mull that over for a few minutes.  Don't miss the opportunity to consider the teaching in Ephesians 5:33.

My mother and I have been discussing the topic of man's desire for respect for about three years.  We have not exhausted our conversation on the topic but it was high time to do something with what we've learned.

My mother talked to some men about the "Love and Respect Marriage Conference" they had attended with their wives.  Among the many things that impressed her was the problem that women have communicating with men - in their language - in the man's language - in the language of respect.

"Unfortunately . . . you won't find any greeting cards that wives send to their husbands, saying, “Baby, I really respect you.”

Why not? Because they don't sell either! When women buy greeting cards for their husbands, they want to express love for them; they don't even think about respect. Sadly, the deepest yearning of husbands goes unmet because wives (and the card publishers) are locked into relaying sentiments of love."  (Emerson Eggerich, author of "Love and Respect")

After conducting an extensive search and having proven Emerson Eggerich's point, my mother encouraged me to create a line of "respect cards". I agreed that I was the perfect candidate for the project. Having three failed marriages behind me I had only recently discovered the secret to marital bliss, found in Ephesians 5:33, wherein wives are commanded to respect their husbands. The benefit of learning the language of respect is demonstrated by the increasing magnificence of the man I married.

Along the way I have discovered a growing number of women equally determined to harness the power of respecting their husbands. If you are one of these daring women, this store is for you.

Per my mother's request, follow this link to view the cards:

Your Husband's Deepest Desire

If God Told You

If God told you 
exactly what it was you were to do, 
you would be happy doing it 
no matter what it was.
What you're doing 
is what God wants you to do.
Be happy.

This aphorism was a favorite of mine, as a teen and young adult.  In a seminar I had attended I received a booklet of aphorisms and this one resonated with me.  Later, after having my daughters I wrote a book based on my understanding of this particular aphorism.

In retrospect I find that to be sad because, as a teen and as a young adult, I had no understanding of that aphorism because I had no faith in God. I had no understanding of who He was or how I would really feel if I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. If God told you 

I also did not believe that it was possible for God to tell me what it was He wanted me to do. Oh sure, I knew that I could read His Word and learn of the things that He had shared with the prophets and apostles in the Bible. But, never in my wildest dreams did I think He would talk to me personally on a personal level about personal decisions.

On an intellectual level I finally developed a belief in God, in Christ and in the purpose for my life. I was baptized and covenanted to take the name of Christ upon me, to always remember Him and to keep His commandments. I understood that if I sinned (and I would sin) that I could repent and receive the grace and forgiveness of God. It all made perfect sense and I lived my life accordingly. I was good, kind, and charitable. By any Christian definition, I was saved.

But, I traveled a rocky road, leaning on my own understanding and never, never accepting the will of God in my actions. It is impossible to accept the will of God if you refuse to ask for or listen to it when it does come.

Three failed marriages and a shattered "life" later I found myself alone in Sacramento. And then "it" happened. In one brief moment and with no more than a two minute prelude I was told exactly what God wanted me to do.

It was February 10th, 2005. I was at the bus stop waiting to begin my morning commute and a recently formed ritual began to play itself out. The bus pulled up and the door opened. I waited as a disabled bus rider rose from his seat in the "priority seating area" and made his way to exit the bus before I could board.

His name was Bruce. I had met him four years earlier as a customer where I worked. He was a stroke survivor. His right side was paralyzed which caused him to walk in a most awkward and jerky fashion. He had aphasia from the stroke meaning that he had a very limited vocabulary and with the few words he did have, he would yell to make his point or get what he wanted. And, he could no longer read or write. He was loud, obnoxious and lacked patience in everything. Because we traveled the same bus routes we ran into each other often. I spent years avoiding him.

But I eventually noticed a mellowing in his nature, his behavior and his speech. He had made obvious changes in his appearance and his demeanor. Honestly, he had become pleasant to talk to and my heart had begun to soften towards him. For many mornings since our paths had begun to cross, he would step from the bus and greet me.

"Good morning, sweetheart," he would say.

I would smile and respond with a cheerful, "Have a good day at work."

I would then step aside for him to pass and clear the way for me to board. This was our routine, our ritual until that day early in February. This day changed everything forever.

I woke to a shadow of anticipation and foreboding mingled with joy that hovered near me as I walked to the bus stop. I prayed for the sensation to subside as I found it to be very disconcerting. When the bus pulled in I saw the shadow of my "new morning friend" as he moved from his seat. As he came through the door he held out his hand. In it was a small scrap of yellow legal-pad paper.

He smiled broadly as I reached to accept the paper. I must have had quite a look on my face because he eagerly explained himself. "That's my number," he said smiling broadly. "That's my number. You can call me."

I mumbled thank you and hurried to board the bus. I had barely stepped aboard and shown my pass when that familiar sense of foreboding mixed with joy came upon me most magnified and overwhelming. My body could not sustain the sensation and as I began to crumble I caught hold of the rails beside me. I looked to the floor but what opened before my view was not of this world.

In the seconds that followed I received clear vision of a future, Bruce's future and mine. It developed like a conduit from the present and outward from where I stood. I did not grasp the details of life on earth as they flew quickly from view but everything paused in my approach to the throne of God. There he was, standing beside the Savior and conversing. I could sense that my focus was not being called to look upon Christ but upon this man with whom He spoke. I saw my disabled friend, but he was whole, complete and bright in countenance. He was brilliant, full of love, wisdom and compassion.

But mostly, the part that I have never forgotten was the fullness of joy as he stood beside the Savior, at His right hand. Both of them turned to greet me, to welcome me. Without words or any form of communication which I could describe, I felt the Savior place my future (not just my hand) in the care and keeping of this wonderful man.

God told me exactly what it was I was to do and I nearly collapsed at the message. I could never describe the fullness of joy except to say that it was overwhelming. I regained awareness of my surroundings and stepped to my seat. I sat there and rehearsed what I had just seen. I was amazed at the sureness of the knowledge that my husband had just been chosen for me, by God himself.

I knew what God wanted me to do and for the first time in my life I would be doing it.
 

exactly what it was you were to do, 

you would be happy doing it 

no matter what it was.

What you're doing 

is what God wants you to do.

Be happy.

Created To Be His Helpmeet

I really must take a few moments to share my gratitude for my husband. To be honest, we have been out of sorts as spouses for a few days. There are many things at fault in our discord but the major issue is our health. It is not often that I am ill and he is not, but, as we age I take my turn more frequently. I am a crabby woman when I am sick. I whine and complain more than I should. This places a lot of stress on my husband. When he feels helpless, he whines and complains a lot too.


To reverse these “cruddy” feelings and to soften the words of my mouth, I really must pause and thank God for my husband. I pray to remember all the ways that I am blessed to have my husband. I pray to always remember receiving God’s assurance that my husband was chosen for me. I am not happy when I “forget” that or when I become complacent about that. My husband is a gift from God and I am very grateful.

I am especially grateful to have married a stroke survivor. I have learned much of wisdom, patience, spirituality and faith from my husband because of his triumph over his disabilities. I am grateful for his example because I have a broader perspective of perseverance and patience in trial. Because of my husband, I have begun to comprehend the limitless nature of Father’s assistance and assurance in every needful thing.

I am honored and humbled for the trust and ability that God has placed in me to nurture, support, sustain and help this man He saved from death. I am grateful that my husband is happy to have me as his helpmeet. I am grateful to God for the inspiration I have received that enables me to enrich my husband's life as he has fulfilled mine. It is wonderful that God has attended me each time that my husband has been ill; our relationship has been strengthened through these trials.

I am grateful that my husband is patient with me and that he adores me in spite of my faults and failings. I am grateful that every time my husband prays, God answers and my husband listens. I am blessed immeasurably by a husband who counsels with God so frequently.

I am grateful for my husband’s sense of humor, his whit and his wisdom. I am grateful for his affection and his protection. I am grateful that God provided me a husband who comforts me when I cry, who encourages me when I falter and adores me when my nose is stuffy, my eyes are red and I cough in his face. I am grateful for a husband who attends church even when I cannot; who praises me when I am not there to hear and who remembers me often during his day.

I pray that God will continue to help me recall all the many reasons that I have to be grateful for my husband.