Ephesians 5:33b: And the wife should respect her husband.
Respect is his primary need, his deepest desire.

I Put My Followers First

Thursday, June 24, 2010

When Doing Nothing is Worth Everything

One of the most difficult things I have had to accept in marriage is my husband's need for me . . . to be nearby, next to him, shoulder-to-shoulder. But - surprise, surprise! What IS first and foremost in his mind is NOT physical touch or intimacy.

His desires my presence. That's it. It IS really that simple.

I have been giving a lot of thought to my husband's need for shoulder-to-shoulder time. He is happiest when I am with him. Go figure. Me? Yes, me. He wants me. Apparently, the opportunity to spend time with me is the reason he married me. He thought that my entering into this marriage covenant was my commitment to spend time with him. Hmmm.

Same for you? Really? How about that! Who knew?

Then why do we always give so much attention to other, less than top priority, action items in our marriage?

Me? I focus on cleaning the house, earning a paycheck, fixing a good meal, finding the right clothes, being neatly groomed, wearing his favorite perfume, playing the right "mood music". Anything, everything, and whatever I can think of that should make him happy.

We all do it. Every wife I've ever met has a list of things that she is convinced will make her husband happy if she does them. Some women get really good at fulfilling the list and wonder when their husband will ever be happy with their efforts.

Others get so discouraged by their own presumed failure they just stop trying or only give a half-hearted effort or no effort at all. Sometimes we simply get fed up trying to do all the things we think are needed without achieving the desired results - that we give up. We simply give up and find ourselves sitting across the desk from a divorce lawyer.

I am not saying that all those things are not worth our time, energy or effort. I am simply saying that we may have our priorities skewed. Are the things that we think are important to our husband truly important to him? In the same order? Or are we missing the mark?

I challenge you to try a little experiment. A simple experiment. When you and your husband are both at home, stop whatever it is you have been doing for one hour. Search out your husband and just sit with him. If he's watching TV, sit silently through his show. If he's working on the car, pull up a chair and watch him, silently. If he's working in the yard, working out, reading the paper, staring out the window - whatever.

Sit with him and let him open a conversation, if any. He can actually sit there and do nothing. Doing Nothing is okay with him. Make doing nothing okay with you for just a little while.

I'll wager a guess that you will not get this right the first time. We women have such a hard time "doing nothing". Keep trying. It is so worth it. Just make sure that when you are "doing nothing", you're doing it with him. Then it becomes something and that something is worth all the effort it takes to do nothing at all.

Most of the cards that I offer at Your Husband's Deepest Desire in the "Friendship" category are all about spending time with your husband - just the two of you. They are most importantly about spending time with your husband doing the things that he loves best, in the way he loves best, at the time he loves best. The "Friendship" category of cards are all about forfeiting yourself to fulfill his desire for time with you.

No one ever said that you can't actually enjoy what he is doing! That is why I created the Stadium Seats card. A stadium may not be your favorite place to hang out for a few hours but, if it is his, you might offer to spend that time with him: shoulder to shoulder in stadium seats. This may be a time when "doing nothing" is worth everything is his eyes.

Not up for doing nothing in stadium seats? Browse the other cards in the "Friendship Category". You may find something that signifies doing nothing that just may mean everything to him.


Gayle said...

Great post Sharon! I used to do a lot more of this "doing nothing" before we had children...then things got complicated and we were both hardly ever doing nothing. That may be changing now that my girls are getting more independent!

Comeca Jones said...

I love this post it almost brought me to tears. Relationships are about service to one another.I feel the same way making that same effort. Sadly most dont, they feel as if they should be receiving to give. Thanks for giving a lesson in life most woman have forgotten.

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